Akefia's Rant
by Lily Angel of Chaos
Summary: Like the one I did for Ryou, only with Akefia  Thief King Bakura . It's written purely for my own amusement, and no offence intended. I might start a little collection of these, for different characters. Any requests?


_A rant, like Ryou's only this time from Akefia, King of Thieves. This is purely for my amusement. I don't mean anything said here. Please don't take offense._

**A BREAK.**

I am Akefia. No - wait, my name is Bakura. Thief King Bakura. Akefia is merely a name given to me by fans. A name I like, yes, but a fan-name none the less. And I'm here for the exact same reason as Ryou was - to rant. At you. If you don't want to listen, then fuck off.

The first thing I'm going to rant about is Ryou. My hikari/Yadonoshi/reincarnation/soul-mate/lover/whatever-the-hell-you-come-up-with-next. I have no idea what he is. Some theories state that he is my light side, the one I lost after Kul Elna, whereas Yami Bakura (the pale-skinned thief who can't beat me in a fight) is my dark side, along with a piece of Zork.

Others state that Ryou is my full reincarnation, and Yami Bakura (the annoying pest at my shoulder) is Zork. Others say that Ryou is a descendent of mine, and I am the same person as Yami Bakura (who needs to stop talking NOW).

While the descendent theory is entertaining, and probably the best, it does have its flaws. It would make me and Bakura the SAME PERSON. We are not the same. End of story. Also, I wasn't really one for having kids. I definitely didn't have a wife, so it would have been the child of a whore.

I don't know if any of you pathetic beings would have noticed, but I was hell-bent on killing the Pharaoh and getting revenge at that time. I didn't really have time to have sex with anyone. I also kept randomly destroying villages to make my Diabound stronger.

The full reincarnation theory is just...wrong. That pathetic kid, me? I think not. I came from a village of thieves; I was always going to be slightly evil. He looks nothing like me. Sure, okay, we both have white hair. And? So do about a zillion old people in this time period (I'm still getting over that. In Ancient Egypt we were lucky if we even reached adulthood).

He has soft, large, brown eyes (or maybe they're green...), I have narrower purple-grey eyes. I have muscles and a tan; he is pale and looks like a girl. I don't look like a girl. Mostly because I don't wear a top. Not many people did. In fact, I wear quite a bit more than most people did.

Then again, most kids only started wearing clothes when they were around six. It was perfectly normal in my day. Now you cover yourselves in itchy, tight, hot clothing that gets in the way. And is difficult to get off.

Bakura's now laughing at me. I didn't mean it in that way, you idiot. Hang on...

Right. Dealt with him. He won't be bothering anyone for a couple of hours.

So, that leaves the light-side theory. Which sort of makes sense. I mean, I was only a kid when Kul Elna happened, and it did mess me up a bit...okay a lot. It also opens a lot of doors for fans (I won't say fangirls, because I've heard there are males in the species...yes, species, I swear they aren't human...), they can say I'm his soul-mate, therefore his lover, or give us a brotherly relationship (though they never do...).

They can also have me and Bakura living in the Ring together, but he's the only one who can come out. 3000 years living with one of the most annoying people ever put on Earth...Ra help me. Oh wait; the gods hate me, don't they? Oh well, screw them, I'll kill him myself.

Actually, I probably won't. He's like me (but weaker, and without my tan), and therefore makes half intelligent conversation. He thinks like me (i.e. the Pharaoh needs to do us a favour and die), yet also a little sane (unlike Yami Marik...who isn't. At all.).

Now, on to my second topic. My past. Yes, it's tragic, but isn't that true for ALL the villains of Yugioh? We're not evil...just misunderstood. No, just no. We made those choices. I choose to make a pact with Zork; I choose to keep on chasing the Items, even when I could have stopped. Unlike what you saw in Memory World, I was in full control in my real past; I knew what I was doing.

Now, my village. Even I'm not entirely sure how old I was when it was destroyed. I've heard 5, putting my sealing age at 20, to 10, putting my current age at 25. I've even heard 12 from one person.

And then there's my scar. It's never explained how I got it, though it's clearly from a blade of some sort. Some say I got it from a guard immediately after Kul Elna, others say I got it during a fight with guards, or even that I was captured and had it carved. Like the great Thief King Akefia Bakura would get caught.

Still others say I got it from a trap when I first started tomb robbing. I can't remember myself.

Next mini-topic. Diabound. My ka, my wonderful, destructive Ka. So strong that it could match a god. Yes, in the manga I didn't have the power of Kisara at my side; I simply took on Obelisk with Diabound...and drew. Sort of. It drained my power, so I made a tactical retreat to recover and make a plan to take the Items. I DID NOT RUN AWAY!

Anyway, my point is that they didn't even make a card. Yes you heard me, Diabound isn't an actual card. Oh, Bakura uses it in the anime, but it's never been released. They made copies of the God cards, but not my wonderful Diabound. It sucks.

Now, I get into fandom. Yes, according to all you wonderful people, I have a habit of either being raped by guards at some point in my life, either straight after Kul Elna or later on when I get captured (that never happened), or raping someone else, usually the Pharaoh/Prince Atemu, or Ryou, who likes me half-way through. No.

I have nothing else to say other than this: Do you honestly believe I would have sex with the Pharaoh? As my revenge? Hell no, I wanted to kill him. If I got close enough, I would kill him, not fuck him. End of.

Next cliché. I end up in the current time-line. There are two main ways of going about this.

Type 1 - New body. Either Bakura gets a body and it looks like me and acts like me, and is me, or both of us come out of the Ring with new bodies. I usually know all about the modern world thanks to Bakura and Ryou, although electric things appear to hate us all. Even the Pharaoh. Which is the only thing those things are good at.

Type 2 - Spell/Trap. I end up transported to the Modern world by some trap in a tomb, or by a spell done on either end. Either way, I end up in the modern world (usually by crashing into something), with no clue what is going on. Yet somehow, I can speak Japanese fluently.

This type gives fans a chance to have me in incredibly awkward situations. For example, running away from cars. I prefer horses.

Now for pairings:

Gemshipping: No. He's weak, sissy, annoying, a compulsive cleaner, and way too innocent. Plus he's cute. I don't like cute.

Citronshipping: The moment he became good, he became boring. He's pretty, but a little too pretty in my mind.

Casteshipping: Are you out of your minds? Whoever thought of this pairing is more insane than Yami Marik, and that's saying something.

Outcastshipping: Kisara belongs to the Priest. Plus I don't like her; all she ever says is "Seto-sama". It's not cute...not that I like cute things.

Sickleshipping: This amuses me. It's mostly me completely dominating and abusing him...which actually seems like fun.

Geminishipping: This would be a little like kissing myself. Seriously. I am, however, very narcissistic. It could work.

Misanthroshipping: We'd have destroyed the house within a minute, the street within an hour, and the world within a day. Enough said.

This is all the time I have to waste. Bakura's waking up, which means we're going to be arguing in around three seconds. Goodbye.

**BREAK**

Review?


End file.
